if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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