Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
