i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
