i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Randomize
