I accidentally had phone sex last night
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
