I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
