"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I met the friendliest cop last night
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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