I murdered the dance floor call the cops
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
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