Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
