Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
