smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
