you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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