Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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