Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
