So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
