I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize