Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Randomize