There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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