i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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