is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
