Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
