Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
