I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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