Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize