If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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