I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
