I haven't been this sober since birth.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
