I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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