would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
