just tell him i said nine months
there was a trapeze. enough said
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
