god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize
