His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Randomize
