A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
