I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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