If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
