Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Randomize
