I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
