You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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