Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize