In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
