GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
