Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
