Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
