I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
