A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize