i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
