i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
