Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
