I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
