are you still at the devil's house?
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
