I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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