I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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