Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
