I love black thongs
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
