Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
Randomize