I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize