I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
