The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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