I'm jealous of your bromance
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
