Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
