my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
