Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
