He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
