So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Can Purell be used as lube?
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
