I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize