I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
