the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
