Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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