you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
