new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
