I wanna bring you to show and tell
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
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