I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have aggressive nipples.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
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