at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
